From the "Inequities and Vicissitudes of Life" File: Pot and Anxiety

You've heard it a million times. "I used to smoke a lot of pot, but now it just makes me nervous/paranoid/freak out." Is this increasingly common complaint just a sign of advancing age? A byproduct of ever-increasing THC levels in today's marijuana? The body's last-ditch defense mechanism to maintain a bare-minimum level of brain cells? Hell, are people just more willing to admit it now because panic attacks and anxiety disorders are more socially acceptable? When did "Man I am so stoned" and "Dude I am so high" give way to "Is my heart beating too fast?" and "I can't breathe!"?

Whatever the case, it's no fun. No one wants to feel old, or anxious, or sober. Just think of what's been lost. Quincy is nowhere near as interesting as it used to be. Same with cartoons, infomercials, nature documentaries, and symbolic logic. Top Ramen is no longer edible and I would never even consider going into an Arby's. Certain things have survived the transition rather well (Star Trek, Simon & Simon, zombie movies, those kitty-shaped ginger snaps from Trader Joe's), but that's cold comfort when you've lost your passion for the Blade movies.

The worst part, by far, is music. I will say, on record and with full conviction, that great music sounds even better when you are high. Unlike ecstasy, which makes you think you enjoy shitty, repetitive music, pot simply enhances that which is already good. (Here I am reminded of a joke: Q. What did the Deadhead say when he ran out of pot? A. This music sucks!) Say what you will about marijuana and the unfortunate "culture" that made Half Baked a hit on late-night cable, pot does have one truly valuable application: there are few things better than closing your eyes, putting on headphones, and listening to great music while under the influence. (Interestingly, pot does make certain music suddenly, inexplicably unbearable. On one occasion in college I attempted to listen to Depeche Mode while high, and it was years before I could listen to them again under any circumstances.)

It is not my intention to wax rhapsodic about dope. "Dope," after all, is an apt nickname in many ways. When I stopped smoking pot, I also stopped watching The Young and the Restless. But I do miss getting quite high and listening to, say, the first Mr. Bungle album. Or the Butthole Surfers. Or Charles Mingus. Or the Minutemen. And so I give you...

Three songs that would sound even better if you were really high right now:

Can - "Mushroom" (from Tago Mago)
Miles Davis - "Will o' the Wisp" (from Sketches of Spain)
Pink Floyd - "Let There Be More Light" (from A Saucerful of Secrets) Oh come on. You knew one of them was going to be a Pink Floyd song.

A thousand apologies for the poor quality of the mp3 files, but EZArchive recently made it impossible to share high-quality audio files. Luckily for them, they saved this "upgrade" until three days after I paid them for the year.

GONE DRINKIN'

The management has departed to Miami for a long Turkey Day/birthday vacation. Have a nice holiday.

The Chair Recognizes the Delegate From New York's 19th District

Yes, it's true. One of these dudes narrowly defeated Republican incumbent Sue Kelley in upstate New York's 19th Congressional district. John Hall (not to be confused with the equally sexysuave Darryl Hall or John Oates) of Yacht Rock stalwarts Orleans proved that Kelley was not "Still the One" to hold the distict's congressional seat. See if you can figure out which one he is, because theay all look the same behind all that facial hair (and the thick fog of homoeroticism)...


Based on that album cover, I'd say they were a fairly close-knit group. I wonder if the other guys in the band will get to work on his staff. Wow. That may have been the greatest unintentionally hilarious sentence of all time. [Thanks to our Legal Counsel for the scoop]

Today Pitchfork's "Get That Out of Your Mouth" column asks the question, "With music moving so fast and words becoming so cheap, have we reached the end days of criticism?" Well I didn't read the article, but it seems clear that the answer is "Yes." So Pitchfork should probably just do us all a favor and shut the fuck down.

DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince are getting back together. Now if only Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam would answer our prayers and get back into the studio! [Thanks to Kim T.A.G.]

If this goes back on the market, it's gonna get real easy to score in Williamsburg and Silverlake.

Finally, as if the Halloween comedown wasn't bad enough, some incredibly bored physicist who wants to coax his daughter out of her goth phase has devised a mathematical proof of the impossibility of vampires. Two observations: 1. So I assume this guy already has tenure. 2. His proof doesn't work on the Anne Rice version of vampirism, in which the vampires only "turn" those whom they consider Euro-trashy enough to join their puffy-sleeved ranks.

Food Fight

What? I've been busy, all right? Work blows. CMJ was crazy. Four shows in four days (The Knife @ Webster hall; Hot Chip @ Webster Hall; Black Angels @ Nokia Theater; and The Big Sleep and Silversun Pickups at the "Brooklyn Vegan Free Day")! And last night was Les Savy Fav playing a special show right here at the management's day job. Too much of a good thing? You're damn skippy. What's got two thumbs and needs a vacation? *THIS GUY!*

So who's hungry? It's lunchtime around these parts, so I was inspired to look for songs about tasty treats. Granted, the cupboard is relatively bare on my work hard drive, but a trend was apparent nonetheless. With the exception of fruit, no one writes songs about healthy foods. Most songs are about cherries, cookies, hamburgers, ice cream, or candy. Naturally, "cherry" and "candy" tend to operate as shortbus metaphors for "vagina," "sex," and "penis." (Somewhat disturbingly, ice cream tends to act as a sexual image as well. I dunno... there's just something off about incorporating dairy into your sexy talk. It's like incorporating dairy into your cocktails: It happens [see Caucasians], but it should generally be avoided [see Car Bombs].) Burgers and cookies get a less lascivious treatment. I guess there aren't songs with titles like "I Want Wheat Germ," "Tofushake," and "Carob City" because deep down even the goddamn hippies know that healthy foods are, well...profoundly unsatisfying.

**THE MONDAY MIXTAPE ASSOCIATED WITH THE ABOVE INTRO AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN, BECAUSE THE NEW EZARCHIVE SUCKS DONKEY COCKS**

Rumors of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

No, the EZArchive fiasco hasn't totally killed the will to blog. But the day job has come pretty close.

Anyhoo, tonight is night three of my CMJ concert-a-thon. Wednesday was The Knife at Webster Hall. Thursday was Hot Chip at Webster Hall. And tonight is the Black Angels (opening for the Black Keys, who we will skip) at the Nokia Theater. Rock star alert! Stay tuned on Monday for one-sentence capsule reviews. And maybe, just maybe, Monday Mixtape action.